Hi Dave,

Thanks for sharing your dilemma with us. Experts on caregiving say that feelings of guilt are typical and can crop up in many caregiving situations. Rather than trying to force the guilt to go away, experts often speak about “managing guilt”—which means accepting that you feel that way, but managing how you respond to those feelings. In your case, you may not be able to exercise without feeling guilty, but that doesn’t mean you should let the guilt stop you from playing tennis or participating in other forms of exercise. After all, it sounds like your wife has made it clear that she’d rather you go out and exercise than be housebound. You may want to check out our interview with caregiving expert Joy Loverde in which she discusses caregiving guilt, titled Juggling Work, Guilt, and the Slacker Sibling. I hope this helps. Please keep us posted.  

My partner of nine years has stage IV breast cancer. We were marathon runners—and even did the Danskin women’s triathlon together. Now we do hospice together and I exercise alone. When I run the trails on the park near our home, the grief and guilt are overwhelming. Last week I literally doubled over with sadness. Why do I get to run while she stays home riddled with cancer? Why do I get to survive?

My thoughts are with you and your wife, Dave. I don’t understand why this tragedy happens, but I know that we survivors need to keep living and keep exercising. Let us know how you both are doing.