Hey there Stansail,

You have been through a lot.  And it sounds like you are still going through it. I was touched by your saying how you have trouble remembering happy times. How your children are far away and how it seems your sadness and sorrow are all that you can see right now. It sounds to me as though you feel sort of trapped.

Feeling trapped by the care giving needs of a loved one is normal and difficult, but there are some things you might want to think about. A few things came to mind when I read your heartbreaking note. (This was NOT stupid by the way) 

I had been a hospice social worker and I was wondering if you knew about hospice care? From what you describe, (his having bladder cancer which is spreading), your husband could qualify for hospice care. It is care for people with chronic, progressive and incurable illness and their families. (Did you get the and their families part?) In most cases Hospice is homecare, with a Visiting Nurse, Social Worker, medical equipment and some medications are covered. Sometimes, caring for a loved one is not possible and hospice care can be provided in a Nursing Facility.

It sounds like you really need some help and you are being left alone to do it. But you don’t have to go through this alone.   

 You also don't have to tell people he is doing great. Do you really think people believe that anyway? They may want to believe it because it makes them more comfortable, but why do you feel you need to say that?  How could he and you be doing great when he is so sick and you are just about out of your mind?

Whose feelings are you trying to take care of? The ones who want to give you a golden star award? Are they usually walking out the door while they call you angel and sing your praises over their shoulder? Just a wild guess, but if so, no wonder you hate that!

No wonder you are tired of it.

I’ve said this before and I noticed my friend Muddigermom has said it too…you will get your life back. In fact, you can start now, by just speaking your truth and honoring your feelings.

You are in my heart and in my prayers.