Hey There Muddiggermom,

 

I hear you loud and clear. You are living a hellish situation it's true. That's the bad news. The good news is: it WILL CHANGE. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Dogs are a perfectly good reason to live. I'm so glad they own you. LOL! Animals and their steadfast, unwavering love can be the best reason to live at times. I know, I've been there.  Watch them, they will teach you how to cope. They get out of the way of flying objects, they come back later when it's safe, and they don't take anything personally. They don't judge themselves, they take life as it comes, and they live and let live without guilt. They go where its warm, get as much love as they can find, and give back twice as much. Accept their love and guidance.

 

You mentioned hospice. I am a hospice social worker and my Father died of Alzheimer's as well and I have two words for you: RESPITE CARE! Call the hospice, tell them that you are in desperate straights and MUST have a break. That feeling you describe of it not bothering you if you died first?- It's called "breakdown in home management" in the vernacular of the hospice world. It means you are burned out and exhausted. If your Social Worker has left-tell them you need another, NOW! You don't have to do this alone. Think about placement in a Nursing Home. Now wait, just hear me out. I bet you may have said to yourself or your family or him, "I'll never do that!" Never say never. 

My family said the same thing, and then promptly went back to their lives and left me with the folks. When my 6'5" father started to tape up the windows of my parents apartment with cardboard and screaming at my mother -I knew I had no choice. It was a while before the family got on board but it turned out to be the best thing we ever did. He got hospice care there and they were far better equipped to handle my father's rages. It may have saved my mother's life. Talk to the hospice about placement in a Care Facility.

My Friend, You don't have to die because your spouse is dying.  The best way to honor loved ones who are "gone" in one way or another, is to live. It is the disease that is torturing you, your husband is the vehicle. It can help to remember this. And that this too, will pass. Don't die of your husband's illness.

 Your dogs need you.